Souls Cafe
by FishSlayer
Summary: Prompt: 'There is a cafe, in it are a bunch of random NPCs of your choice, hilarity ensues, go' So I went.


**Souls Cafe**

**AN: I was invaded! The prompt was:**

**There is a cafe, in it are are a bunch of random NPCs of your choice, hilarity ensues, go!**

**It's from Lucatiel's perspective first, then Rhea of Thorlund, then Creighton the Wanderer. I'll list the NPCs used at the end.**

**Thanks to Leider Hosen for such an awesome prompt.**

* * *

The bell over the propped-open door rang to announce the entrance of yet another customer. Lucatiel of Mirrah had come to the quaint cafe with the intent to purchase a soothing cup of tea. Unfortunately she saw just how long the wait would be upon entering, there was a long line of interesting-looking patrons such as herself.

She sighed and took her place behind a young woman with a long ponytail and small, black sleeveless shirt. Somewhere farther up in line, she heard an angry voice with a cockney accent exclaim, "AH! What the bloody fuck?! This old tart keeps squirtin' me with his nasty pus! Pate, switch wit' me."

A low, mocking chuckle answered before the calm, proper-sounding voice replied "Creighton my dear fellow, that one has obviously taken a liking to you! He's got to be some sort of barbaric brute, and squirting their jizz on people they like is-" "YOU STOP THAT RIGHT NOW OR I SWEAR ON ALL THE GODS I'LL PUT MY AXE THROUGH YOUR FAT HEAD, PATE!" The harsh voice cut him off.

Curious, Lucatiel leaned out the side of the line to observe those waiting in front of her. Pate and Creigton were two people ahead of the Mirrah knight. Pate was holding up his hands as a sign of peace while Creighton aggressively brandished his crescent axe, the look of a madman in the eyes behind his steel mask. In front of the two, a hideously deformed man sat on his belly. What appeared to be a large egg sack of some sort stretched the skin of his back and towered above the rest of his scrawny form. One seemed to have a small hole in it that occasionally blew tiny geysers of pus at the unfortunate Wanderer, but Pate was safely out of embarrassment's way. The deformed man was completely unaware.

Behind Pate and Creighton, an older, stocky man wearing an open-faced helm and carrying a large, blue-green greatsword burst out in an amused chuckle. He spoke up "Mayhap you should find somethin' ta plug up that there hole, lad!"

Lucatiel leaned back and raised an eyebrow under her bearded mask. Suddenly, the woman in front of her turned towards her and said "They're making quite a racket up there, aren't they?"

Her words were barely heard by the blonde Mirrah knight, as she was somewhat stunned by the fact that the woman's generous chest practically hung out of her small shirt and was obnoxiously in her face all of a sudden. Before she could take a step back or reply, an irrate voice came in through the small seating area beyond the open door.

"...and yet you're lounging under an umbrella. An UMBRELLA! Do you know what umbrellas are for, Princess? They're for shielding one's self from the SUN!" It was a stocky knight with a sun on his chest. He was currently shouting at a giant, finely dressed woman who was indeed lounging under an (enormous) umbrella. The Princess blinked in a confused manner at the knight, "Solaire-"

"Look, I just want to understand. Do you Praise the Sun? It seems to me that you just...lay about! Could you not at least take part in some Jolly Co-operation?! Do you even Praise the Sun?!" Things were getting intense, but fortunately a couple of tall, Silver Knights came to stop Solaire from assaulting Gwynevere for her lack of praising. "Princess of Sunlight they call you! BAH!"

Lucatiel blinked, not quite knowing what to think of that, and turned back to face the woman with obnoxious tits.

* * *

"Thank you, Petrus, but I really don't want that flavor. I'll just order my own." Rhea of Thorolund knew now what a bad idea it had been to allow Petrus to bring her to a Cafe. He kindly bought her a coffee, and proceeded to very blatantly poison it, though he thought he was being subtle.

"Oh, my Lady, please. I've already prepared you another of a more suitable flavor. Here!" A shit-eating grin was plastered across his round face. More notibly, the point of a small knife protruded from the top of the steaming cup. He was desperate.

"As much as I'd like to, I'm quite allergic to that sort of coffee, I'm afraid. Excuse me, sir?" Once more she attempted to purchase a safe drink, and once more Petrus of Thorolund tried his best to get the princess to accept one of his (what he surely thought were) concoctions of death.

"How about this one, my Lady?" A cloud of toxic gas wafted from it and made Petrus's eyes water as he gave her that same completely unconvincing smile once again. Rhea looked into the cup out of morbid curiousity and the stink caused her to recoil. Blobs of thick brown sludge floated in the steaming cup. He'd put a dung pie in the coffee and thought she wouldn't notice. A dung pie.

"No. Sir, might I place an order?" The place just had to be crowded while several attempts on her life were being made. She had to thank the gods that he was completely hopeless for the moment, however.

"Please accept this, my Lady. Please!" Oh, this was the last straw.

He clenched a lid with all his strength to the top of the thrashing cup. Still smiling, but the strain was very, very evident.

"Lift the top, Petrus." Rhea's tone brooked no argument.

His smile dropped and he began "But, my La-"

"LIFT it."

And so, sweating and frowning deeply with fright, he lifted the lid.

One of Eingyi's worms lept out of the cup and latched onto Petrus's arm.

* * *

Some halfwit in heavy armor was struggling with one of the old man's worms on the left. If the fool came close Creighton would chop his arm clean off and solve both their problems. The Wanderer had an enormous handful of napkins and was grumpily attempting to clean off all of Eingyi's pus.

He and Pate were finally up next. A gigantic knight in golden, lion-like armor was in front of the pair. While the cashier went about preparing the huge warrior's order, a bald man with traveler's clothing and one hand held behind his back popped out of the back of the room and exclaimed "Look at that! Lord Gwyn 'imself is comin' in for a little somethin'!" The humongous lion-knight's head snapped to look out the door, and he began making his way out.

Creighton noticed the bald man ducking behind the counter, hitting the cashier on the back of the head with a club and dragging him out the back door (probably to toss him in some pit). The man came back in, wearing the apron of the fool he just dragged out and a nametag with "PaTchEs" scrawled messily on it. He grinned broadly at Pate and Creighton and greeted, "'Ey there, I'm the new cashier, 'is shift was done. What can I get ya?"

The pair narrowed their eyes, and Pate ordered "Just get me a strong black, no sugar." Creighton grinned under his mask and commented "Strong black? Issat 'ow you like your men then?" Pate rolled his eyes angrily and replied, "No time for that, Creighton." He nodded subtly at Patches, who was scurrying about preparing the coffee, "We've got another sneaky one here. Careful." Creighton nodded. "Right. Wait, he didn't even ask me for my order! The cheeky prick!"

Just as Trusty Patches was getting the cash register open and filling a cloth bag with the contents, Creighton launched over the counter and tackled the bald man, smashing into machines and breaking glass. Pate pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed. The two began exchanging punches and kicks and rolling everywhere. Even under Pate's legs. Which caused him to trip and fall right into their brawl. He began fighting to protect himself.

Laughing heartily, Benhart of Jugo exclaimed something about being young and dived into the brawl himself. The group passed Petrus, still struggling with the worm and Rhea, who stepped behind the counter to get her own fucKING COFFEE DAMNIT! They also passed Lucatiel who was trying to look at Chloanne's _face_ (but they're _looking_ at me!) as she spoke about the differences between stones, and were nearing the door.

When they got there, a large man in red leather armor and a bear helm walked into the store and got himself struck by a vicious, stray uppercut. His head popped clean off. That stopped the brawl momentarily and everyone stared at the large man's head trying to direct his body to him.

Then Benhart shrugged and punched Pate in the jaw and the brawl began once more.

Just an average day at Souls Cafe, of course.

* * *

**Lucatiel of Mirrah  
Creighton the Wanderer  
Mild-Mannered Pate  
Chloanne the Stone Trader  
Benhart of Jugo  
Vengarl of Forossa  
Solaire of Astora  
Dragon Slayer Ornstein  
Gwynevere, Princess of Sunlight  
Eingyi of the Great Swamp  
Petrus of Thorolund  
Reah of Thorolund  
Patches, the Hyena / Trusty Patches **


End file.
